In the spring of 2016, I had one of the worst rejections of my life. I went to a sex party in Chelsea, NYC and at that party I met a man I had chatted with thru Xtube. We had messaged weeks prior. He was coming into town from Europe on a short stay. He liked my sexy pictures and he wanted to meet. He was quite attractive himself–muscular, beefy, and had a great manly mustache. When we finally met face to face, both of us naked in a dimly-lit basement play club, he told me: “You are not my type”
The rejection was crushing, like being crushed by a hydraulic machine. He went onto have sex with others around the room. It took all of my resolve to not put my clothes back on and leave. I wandered the room like a hungry ghost for a while. I spotted him in the dark room doing things with other men. Eventually, some other man suddenly got me on my knees and ejaculated on my face–that was kinda hot. And that was that night.
It wasn’t long after that I unfortunately discovered crystal meth. And for five years, as my life slowly spiraled out of control, I didn’t have to feel the sting of rejection again. Of course, there were many rejections during that period of addiction, but being numbed by meth I didn’t have to feel the searing burn of being told ‘No’. I would simply take another puff of that meth pipe, open up a hook-up app and find another body to use.
For many years, I wasn’t accepting the premise. I couldn’t handle rejection, accept myself and the state of the world around me as it was. I saw myself as an ugly, brown, small-dicked, unwanted man. A man hungry for sexual validation from far-more attractive men and women I couldn’t have. If only I had sex with that hot hunk working the bar at the gay bar, or if I had sex with that porn star, I would be someone. I wouldn’t have to hate my brown, hairy, Latin, average-dicked body. If I had these body trophies, I would be made complete.
Of course, I was wrong. I started to accept the premise back in October 2021, when I seriously undertook Recovery. It’s a journey and process that is still ongoing. Accepting the premise of your life means to fully acknowledge yourself, learn to love yourself, and to fully embrace the state of the world around you. It also means facing the things that you can’t control. And since I’m talking specifically about sex here, I’m talking about all those things regarding sex that I can’t control: The body that I’ve been given by God and the constraints of its dimensions. The sexy men and women I still desire but will never connect with. The men and women that want me but I’m not attracted to. The fact that I’m bisexual or the fact that I’m middle-aged–my hair is graying and my body aches. The reality that I’m single, lonely and very horny these days as I write this. There are many things that I’m working on accepting and I hope to write about them and share them with you. The most important thing I do each day is to fully accept my premise sober. Acceptance is where your full power lies.